


Angels Don't Dance

by bee_g0d



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Hastur Being an Asshole (Good Omens), Hell, Himbo Gabriel (Good Omens), Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Ligur Lives (Good Omens), Narrator God (Good Omens), Other, Prom, She/Her Pronouns for Dagon (Good Omens), The Ineffable Plan (Good Omens), They/Them Pronouns for Beelzebub (Good Omens)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:08:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25077376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bee_g0d/pseuds/bee_g0d
Summary: After the calling off of God’s plan which had been lovingly confused with the ineffable plan, things had been rather slow in hell lately and I mean, slower than usual. For our own sake I will be granting the restoration of Duke of Hell, Ligur, simply because I can. After all he wasn’t missed so he surely won’t be celebrated when brought back to life. Anyways, Dukes of Hell, Ligur and the legendary Hastur Lavista had been struggling to find a way to bring delight back into the eyes of Prince of Hell, Beezlebub. They had been so excited to kick some angel ass that when my plan, which had been lovingly confused with the ineffable plan, had been foiled they began to be more unruly than before. Especially after losing to the pompous bastard, Crowley, after a court case. And so the Dukes of Hell set off towards some earthly customs to please their unearthly friend.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Beelzebub & Gabriel (Good Omens), Beelzebub/Gabriel (Good Omens)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	1. Exposition of God

**Author's Note:**

  * For [My homie Maddie](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=My+homie+Maddie).



After the calling off of God’s plan which had been lovingly confused with the ineffable plan, things had been rather slow in hell lately and I mean, slower than usual. For our own sake I will be granting the restoration of Duke of Hell, Ligur, simply because I can. After all he wasn’t missed so he surely won’t be celebrated when brought back to life. Anyways, Dukes of Hell, Ligur and the legendary Hastur Lavista had been struggling to find a way to bring delight back into the eyes of Prince of Hell, Beezlebub. They had been so excited to kick some angel ass that when my plan, which had been lovingly confused with the ineffable plan, had been foiled they began to be more unruly than before. Especially after losing to the pompous bastard, Crowley, after a court case. And so the Dukes of Hell set off towards some earthly customs to please their unearthly friend.   
Hastur paced in front of a white board in which he had scrawled out some telephone numbers he had found in the most recent release of the yellow pages. Propped next to that was Gxrls Like That magazine and their latest prom season issue. “I just don’t understand how we can introduce this idea without them thinking we’ve got worms in our brain!” Hastur muttered, Ligur was not amused; he was quite literally nonexistent a moment ago. He is still coping with this now.   
“Well we have dance parties here in Hell all the time..” He began trying to get Hatsur back on his feet, “How hard can it be to get Prince Beezlebub on board for one above the surface. Imagine all the people that’ll be kept up late that night by our music. They’re bound to make bad decisions kept up awake by rage-”  
“-and the drama!” Ligur looked over to see that Duke of Hell, Hastur Lavista, had opened up the magazine and was thumbing through the pages, “We can do a king and queen crowning…” He began, mainly to himself and absolutely on accident as he quickly retorted with, “Of course Prince Beezlebub would win the titles no doubt, hail satan..”  
“Hail Satan, yes.”  
“Though it would be an interesting competition up until the crowning…” He wrote this on the whiteboard under the telephone numbers. “Though it also would be a sinister gathering no doubt.”  
“Yes like I said before-”  
“-Imagine how painful it would be watching everyone scramble to find a date. Oh what if we poured the ‘punch bowl’ on someone like in the movies…” Hastur pointed to a photo in the magazine and wrote, ‘punch bowl’, on the whiteboard. Ligur wondered when they even got whiteboards in hell. How long had he been gone?  
“So we’ve decided then. A prom for Prince Beezlebub?” Hastur stepped back from his whiteboard where he had been writing down the bare essentials and turned to shake Ligurs hand, even though Ligur was not offering it,   
“A prom for the prince.” 

Luckily, Prince of Hell, Beezlebub, was distracted during these times as they had been figure heading a new way of storing hellhounds within the facility. You see a certain archangel had come down to hell and named a few of these beasts on his own unaware of how the system works. When confronted he simply said the lovely creatures reminded him of his friends up in heaven. Prince of Hell, Beezlebub, had to cover up for this moron's actions and now had an army of seven hellhounds in their quarters at all times each named after an archangel. To avoid this from occurring again they put their people to work immediately, oh what devilish work.   
“Oh contain yourselves.” They groaned when greeted by these dogs, throwing them treats from their desk while occasionally faking to watch the dogs sniff around for nothing, “Useless hounds. You’re all soft and fluffy you’ll hardly kill a soul.” Beezlebub spoke in loving disdain. “Aside from you Sandalphon, mutt.” With a knock at the door, Beezlebub dropped a book to the floor to send the hounds scurrying before allowing whomever was disturbing them to enter. Of course, as we know, it was none other than Dukes of Hell, Ligur and Hastur who had come to call for Beelzebubs attention. Beezlebub was not shocked to see Ligur alive in fact, they had forgotten he had even died. “Well, quit standing there come in.” They said while waving their hand. The two men entered and so it began.   
Ligur was correct, it took little to nothing to convince Beezlebub to allow Hell Prom to occur, though no one admitted to this because Hastur is quite funny to watch. In fact, Hastur was the only one talking in the room. He rambled on about the punch bowl for at least five minutes for he couldn’t decide which beverage it should contain. By the time Hastur began to list reasons that this prom would continue to bring people into hell Ligur took his place.   
“And you can bring a date.” He had said. It was strange that he said that for Prince of Hell, Beezlebub, was not dating anyone according to popular belief but, they seemed rather pleased with this information. It was not long after that, that plans were set to go, a prom was to be held for all those in hell.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prom time ;)

Finally, we’ve got the exposition out of the way. Now surely you don’t need to hear about everything leading up to the prom such as hiring a human DJ or renting out a place for Bar Mitzvahs. Though I think it would aid you to know that Hastur was quite pleased with himself for finding “DJ Party Hardy” which would assure their prom would be smashing. Almost every demon in hell had promposed to Beelzebub because they had to, solely so that Beelzebub could enjoy the feeling of turning each and every one of them away. Things were looking up. Demons weren’t licking the walls. How pleasant. Beelzebub had already alerted their boyfriend, archangel Gabriel, of prom, and how they would be going together. Gabriel had no choice but to oblige, after all Beelzebub was a real catch. Flies, power, and gender nonconforming.  
When the night of Hell Prom arrived, Beelzebub sat in a room with Dagon watching her curl her hair. It was peculiar to them as they were used to watching Dagon bring demise into a room and not beauty. She did look incredibly stunning though.  
“A lavender suit.” She posed it as a question though she was judging them, “With red detailing.” She continued not looking up at them.   
“Yes. It’ll match my hat when I emerge.”  
“So you’re wearing the fly hat?”  
“They should be allowed to indulge in prom as well.”  
“And you’re bringing your angel partner.” Dagon looked over at Beelzebub who was thoroughly annoyed by her remarks.   
“Don’t go spouting garbage for fucks sake.” They threatened, even though Dagon was entirely on the right path as Beelzebub had told her earlier in the process. In fact all of hell was on the right path. Hastur had started a rumor that Gabriel would be invited under the ruse that this was a human prom only to find it was spouting full of demons. Beelzebub just wanted to share a dance. “If you heat your hair so long it’ll burn Dagon.”  
“We’re in hell. I can manage.” Beelzebub gritted their teeth, you try to be nice. Dagon brushed out her curls. She was stunning, this was a given of course for when is she not? “Well. Best of luck to you then. Can’t wait to see who you’ve scored.” She’s relentless like that.  
“I’m sorry aren’t you the one who didn’t even get asked?”  
“Oh I was asked.” She wiped what was left of her victims off of her face, “I just figured I snag a mortal.”  
“Bloody good luck to you.” The two let out a laugh, they were friends in a genocidal kind of way but aren’t we all? 

During these lovely times Hastur, Duke of Hell, had been setting up the venue. As stated before it looked like something from the world's cheapest bar mitzvah. It was perfect. The walls still had decoration up from it’s last sweet sixteen which filled this funky little maggot man with unbridled joy. When the DJ arrived, expecting to play for some middle schoolers, Hastur forked over suitcases full of mortal money he had gotten from his own interventions. This poor man, who went by Mr. Party Hardy in the business world, was about to play kidz bop for some of the most ravishing demons on this side of the afterlife. It was his time to shine. 

And so the evening drifted on for who knows how long until the guests arrived. Due to Dagon’s antics it can be assumed that some immortal beings who have been hiding in the mortal world may have heard about the quaint prom. It’d be most entertaining if they arrived but with delight I can say that this story just isn’t about them. Prince of Hell, Beelzebub stood outside the venue a half hour after the event had started. They had made the wise decision of lying to their partner about the time of the event so that they could arrive late instead of on time. You forget how clever they can be.   
“Right on time.” Beelzebub muttered. A beam of light shot down from the heavens. Beelzebub yawned, and there before them was Gabriel, Archangel of Heaven. “Oh you have got to be fucking kidding me.” Beelzebub said the moment they were able to look at Gabriel without going blind by his celestial glow. Gabriel leaned in for a kiss, Beelzebub dodged from his way. “There’s not a speck of dirt on you why-”  
“-thank you! I got this suit tailored, pressed and cleaned just for the occasion and I-”  
“-Oh, they’ll never let you in looking like that.” The two continued this charade of cutting each other off attempting to appear on top and superior. Gabriel under the impression Beelzebub needed his tailors details, Beelzebub addressing the situation at hand. “Christ.” Gabriel went red,   
“Um, language. If you don’t mind Prince Beelzebub.” However, Prince of Hell, Beelzebub was completely correct in the current situation. Gabriel had somehow found a way to dress too holy for the occasion. When they stepped up to the entrance of the venue together Gabriel was unable to enter no matter how hard he pushed at the doorway. It was embarrassing. The music from indoors was loud, you could hear the vibrations through the wall. Beelzebub listened to that for sometime as they sat outside the venue watching their boyfriend desperately try to break into hell’s formal get together. They buzzed along to the music. Eventually, the mighty archangel gave in.   
“Yeah. Even my celestial form just cannot-”  
“Can it.” Beelzebub stood up and took their boyfriends hands into their own and pulled him in to embrace them. The two kissed softly as the music blared through walls. Bringing their hands up into Gabriel's hair,   
“Actually, I did gel my hair so if you could-” And then ruffing up his slicked hair. “Alrighty then.” The two were leaning into each other, the music inside switched over to a new song. 

Now, angels cannot dance. So when Beelzebub attempted to finally get to the moment they had been anticipating for, only to feel their boyfriends body go stiff, they did get a little hot headed. This, if not their fault. Gabriel simply never indulged in dancing, he sought himself better than it. 

“It’s not even real dancing can’t you just fucking sway?” Beelzebub pushed against his shoulder to see if he would humor them and budge.  
“Sorry Prince Beelzebub but I am afraid that angels do not dance.”  
“That’s a fucking metaphor dumbass, oh for fucks sake you are impossible!” Beelzebub stepped back from where the two had once been so closely together. Beelzebub kicked something that comically stayed in its place and continued on their unbridled rampage before taking a deep breath and turning back to their boyfriend, who still was yet to move.   
“Angels just do not dance.” He said shaking his head, arms crossed. Beelzebub stomped into their prom. Leaving Gabriel alone outside. He obliterated the object that had given Beelzebub trouble before sitting down outside the venue. He knew that they would be back soon.


	3. This is the last one

The screams when Beelzebub entered their prom was mediocre. They stood dead in their tracks until one of the weaker demons in the front had passed out from yelling. Beelzebub made sure to step on them when they passed by, “Next time get it right.” They announced bitterly. The demons howled, Beelzebub smiled. This was pleasant. They stood around menacingly while people passed by and dropped to the floor for them. Hastur had instructed everyone to vote for Prom King and Queen almost immediately after he spotted Beelzebub in the crowd. He even breathed into the mic for a few seconds to let everyone know he was serious. Lines formed at the cardboard voting box.   
The party inside the facility was surprisingly enjoyable. The music was just loud enough and the lights were just garish enough to give you a headache without being too obnoxious and the food was just mediocre enough to be enjoyed without actually indulging in any of it. Of course this party was filled with otherworldly beings so not many would be tarnishing their forms with food anyway.   
“It’s quite delicious, I’m shocked they bought any food at all!”  
“No don’t eat those, we can get sushi or something nice-”  
“But they put in so much effort Crowleyia.”  
Two demons stood by the punch bowl enjoying their evening. One, rather celestial, aside from a party city monocle and devil horns and the other, a stunning woman in a deep ball gown and ginger curled hair. Though she was wearing sunglasses inside at night so you cannot find much in her. “You know what, I’m gonna bring some of this out to Gabriel. I think he may be famished out there. They won’t let him in.” Said the more heavenly of the two as he began to gather a plate.   
“Don’t, if you keep bothering him he’ll try to execute you again. Also, he doesn’t eat angel.” Replied the woman who had previously been referred to as, ‘Crowleyia’, a very convincing name that is in reference to nothing.   
“Well. I’m still going to do it. I don’t think he recognizes me anyway.” Gabriel had in fact recognized him twenty minutes ago outside the venue but had figured that they’d both pretend nothing had happened so a certain pair of angels, Michael and Uriel, wouldn’t find out about what he does when he’s not working. The woman shrugged and stepped off into the dance floor, she was dazzling and instantly was accepted into whatever dance was occurring. The male took a deep huffy breath and turned on his heel towards the door. He was impersonating his husband currently with hopes that no one would see through his ruse until he got to the door, he stepped outside briefly, saw that Gabriel was just standing there like a brick wall and set the plate down in front of him. “Just gonna set this here.”  
“I do not engage in such hab-”  
“Sorry, I’m deaf and just setting this down. Just in case.” He gave a thumbs up and winked through his plastic monocle before doing a huffy jog back into the venue to find his husband who is also a dazzling woman. He rejoined the group by standing on the outside and clapping lightly to the beat of the 2000’s pop song playing. 

With all due respect, I am afraid I have been lying to you. For this demon is an angel and well, angels DO dance. Or at least this one did. 

So when Crowleyia grabbed their husbands hand and pulled him into he dance he did indeed join in with the dance. He wasn’t as swift or as cunning as his gorgeous partner but he did try and that was enough. The crowd continued to erupt with noise.   
“You know, I don’t believe I recognize you two.” Prodded Ligur, who is alive. The stunning one shrugged.   
“Daft.” She replied before throwing herself into the arms of her lover very dramatically and grabbing at his plaid vest, the neon lights reflecting off her cat eye sunglasses.   
“Yeah. I don’t.” Ligur, just one half of the Dukes of Hell whistled. He was calling for backup.   
“What a righteous party!” It was Hastur Lavista, the other Duke of Hell, Crowleyia’s husband took a deep breath now face to face with the two demons who often tried to kill his lover. “Oh, hi sorry I haven’t seen you two around here.” Hastur began. As said before, Hastur was quite fun to watch, so when he began his tangent of his clearly rehearsed introduction for this Hell Prom everyone simply stood aside themselves and watched him go. “So, what department do you work in.” He leaned down to kiss Crowleyia’s gloved hand, she smacked him upside his face,   
“Oh we work in the hell department!” Her husband replied, this was also rehearsed. The man in the monocle fully believed he had fooled them all.  
“That’s not a depar-”  
“I work there too!” Hastur had cut off Ligur and went in to give the demon with a monocle a high five in which he was ‘too slow’ and suffered the consequences.   
“That’s such lovely news! Say, Hastur Duke of hell sir, what is your favorite book?”  
“I don’t read.” Hastur replied bluntly, “I can read though, I can read.” He was very quick to follow up with this. Ligur removed himself from the group. “Speaking of reading. I think that it’s about time I reveal Hell Prom Queen and King!” He perked up and dragged himself back towards the DJ booth, where he wrestled the microphone from him.   
Breathing into the mic for a good minute to capture everyone’s attention. “Everyone.” Hastur said, no need for enforcing gender roles, “Prom Queen goes to-”

During this time both Daagon and Crowleyia would make eye contact even through Crowleyia’s sunglasses, the whole night they had been dancing against one another. It was quite fierce. 

“-Prince of Hell, Beelzebub!”. Beezlebub nodded, and when eyes fell to them they had appeared in a dress for a mere few seconds. Everyone lost their shit, They were killing it.   
“Rightfully fucking so.” Said Beelzebub as the crowd parted like the red sea so they could receive their tiara and sash, which matched their other sash spectacularly. This moment of superiority would not last long, however, because, even after winning Hell Prom KIng and receiving a crown and scepter, Beelzebub would look out into the crowd of those they ruled over to see the hell damned bastard they swore they had thrown out. And so, Beelzebub took their victory. King, Queen, Prince, and Lord of all, truly more than a triple threat. They walked gallantly off the stage listening to those they cared so little about scream their lungs out in pride for their Prince. Beelzebub stepped on as many toes as they could and hit people with their scepter. They kept up this facade until they had finally made it outside to find that their boyfriend was sitting there, waiting for them, staring at plates of uneaten food.   
“What the fuck are you doing?” They said taking off the gifts they had just received and throwing them to the ground in utter rage.   
“I was waiting for you. What’s wrong?”  
“Do you know who’s here? The fucking snake, fucking Crowley is here parading around and no one fucking told me!” Gabriel had sat Beelzebub down next to him and was picking up their gifts.   
“Yes. The traitor from heaven is here as well.” Gabriel said, trying to put hatred in his voice.   
“Oh so you knew too? Did everyone just decide to invite the one goddamn bastard I couldn’t kill to my OWN Prom?” They were throwing their hands around in rage, “Hey hey hey lets bring in old snake man who fucking embarrassed me in front of my entire kingdom I swear to fucking Satan, jesus christ-”  
“-Language please- “  
“-Fuck you!” Beelzebub jumped up, seething with anger before they just started screaming incoherently and kicking things.   
“Alright.” Replied Gabriel as he nodded his head and picked Beelzebub up before sitting them back down next to him, “Hey, I have some good news.” Beelzebub’s face was in their hands to muffle the screaming, they could hear the music inside through the walls once more, “I think I finally got dancing down.” Beelzebub stopped immediately and looked up,   
“Show me.” Gabriel didn’t move, “Show me please.” Gabriel stood still,   
“I am showing you, is this not it?” Gabriel asked, he looked pretty pleased with himself even though he was stiff as a board.   
“Just SWAY!”  
“I AM swaying!”  
“Sway your HIPS!”  
“My WHAT?”  
“Oh fuck you.” Beelzebub gave up and collapsed against the wall. Gabriel began to put the crown and tiara back on their fly hat,  
“I love you.” Beelzebub leaned into Gabriel’s chest and the two sat there together. Dates to a prom they either cannot or would rather not enter. “You know what I had a lovely time.”  
“Let’s go stay somewhere.” Beezlebub said, gathering their things, “This was awful.” (They have sex there btw)

And so, even though Hell has dance parties all the time. They never did hold a prom again. The End.


End file.
